Does The World Still Need Cassette Tapes Humans?
6.16.14 by Oreo C. Collins
With all this talk about Cassette Store Day and Limp Bizkit’s new album, a lot of people are wondering why cassettes are so popular if they’re obsolete.
But have you thought about humans? Sure, cassette technology is the same as it was 30 years ago, while more portable, more durable, and all around better mediums have sprouted. You may be baffled about why cassettes are suddenly all the rage with hipsters and hoarders. But have you thought about those hipsters and hoarders themselves? They are humans, which haven’t changed a bit since they were created almost 10,000 years ago!
It’s important to differentiate between random humans that litter the Earth and the ones close to you. Maybe you don’t want to get rid of family, friends, or the kid next door who always sets up your new computer in exchange for a pack of cigarettes. You can use these humans for things that are useful to you, like tax write-offs or human affection.
The question isn’t “is there a future for cassettes“, but rather is there a future for humans (yes, to a point) but if there should be a future for humans (no, there shouldn’t be, sheesh).
Oreo C. Collins advises that you should upgrade from the inferior format of humans immediately, and here are some reasons why.
Tapes don’t even rely on a welfare state when they get old.
It ends up that tapes aren’t the only thing that melt in a hot vehicle.
Sure, cassettes are made out of thin plastic, but humans are made out of fragile emotions.
No matter how they’re organized, there are just too many humans.
Like really, have you tried listening to a person recently? It’s worse than Obama’s demilitarization strategy in Iraq.
And you don’t even have to change a tape’s diaper!
What are hipsters going to like next? Ronald Reagan? Probably not, but maybe!
Next!
Ditch the pinstripes and get with 2014! They probably call women “dames.”
At least you can hold a cassette at night.