DJ Balli and Giacomo Balla – Svelto
12.13.17 by Ryan Masteller

Is this for me? I mean, sure, I’m an absolute master at stacking a dishwasher with Tetris-like precision. Any unmaximized space is certain to cause the vein in my temple to throb uncontrollably as I try to suppress the rage triggered by a misplaced bowl or coffee cup. (My wife, god love her, would just roll her eyes at my internal meltdown.) “Svelto,” by DJ Balli and Giacomo Balla (the collaboration is “telepathic” between Balli and “the famous futurist”), is one of two recent releases by ArteTetra (the label based in Potenza Picena, Italy) in collaboration with Islandsexp that focuses on creating a “pleasing acoustic experience … for … more productive and functional house-working.” “Svelto,” which translates to “brisk” in English, focuses on dishwashing, as does the other initial tape in this run, Shit and Shine’s MUSICA LAVAPIATTI (which I wrote about somewhere else, recycling a conceit in the process).

So is this for me? Being an all-star dishwasher stacker doesn’t mean I’m also an all-star dish scrubber, but maybe that’s the point – maybe “Svelto” exists to draw out the hidden skills I don’t necessarily know I have, in the process reducing the unrelenting stress of poor dishwasher space management weighing on me like I was hauling a lead backpack around the kitchen. Yeah, “Svelto” is nimble, and its speed and energy are absolutely intoxicating and contagious. It makes me feel like I’ve just entered the Trance state in FINAL FANTASY IX or something. I look at the dishwasher in disdain, and, with the pulsing gabber electronics blaring on my stereo, I tackle the mound of dishes in the sink with just a scrub brush and my intuition. In a blur, both hands and water fly, and I become the machine. Only when I finish do I realize that the mound of dirty dishes has now become a mound of broken crockery, but I do not feel defeated. I’m still high from the adrenaline shot through my bloodstream by DJ Balli.

FYI: “Dishwasher cycle #1: Gabber Pyramid” utilizes the tune my dryer makes when it’s done, so I can only assume a Samsung dishwasher does the same thing… It freaked me out for a second when I first heard it, like some MORTAL KOMBAT portal had opened up in my laundry room or whatever.

Grab a tape from ArteTetra or Lowe’s or Home Depot or your local appliance retailer. No, wait, just from ArteTetra.